The discontinuation of Hel part IV: The Tick Collector

This is the song that tied it all up together. I wrote it a few months after arriving in China, when it started to seem obvious that, for better or worse, the Chinese experience was going to take a lot longer that expected if it was to be lived out properly. What I had considered to be "my life" until around that time became "my former life", and the days at hand—busy, challenging, crazy, fun, sleepless... in short, vertiginous—became my current life. I got out of that transition alive, as we always do, but looking back I still marvel at how I managed!

Balancing on the tight rope Arms all spread out No safety net below No one can stop you now The excitement of the fatal slip Survival instinct pounding hard And you endlessly sing under your breath: I’m gonna fall and crack my skull Seeking the next link to the never-ending chain Giving away all the pictures and the records and the love and care This balloon can only carry so much weight And so the Tick Collector is on her way again So you made it to the oil platform Dip your hands into the treasure Elbow deep into the chest of time with no measure But time is only one side of each golden coin The other is void Hope you can turn minutes and seconds into What you came here looking for Seeking the next link to the never-ending chain Giving away all the pictures and the records and the love and care This balloon can only carry so much weight And so the Tick collector is on her way again The tick collector taps her pocket and smiles The list is safe inside and the ocean is calm The tick collector taps her pocket and smiles The list is safe inside and the ocean is calm

So what is this oil platform business? As a person with multiple interests, several dreams, the vice of paying the rent every month and eating everyday and the tendency to take everything very seriously, I've always suffered from a special condition: severe lack of time. Already in my 20s I used to fantasise with getting a job in an oil platform or something of the sort, where I could just work a shift and have the entire rest of the day for myself, to do my thing, no distractions whatsoever, just time into which I could pour my creativity, like dough, and see what kind of cookies came out of it.

Funny thing is, when faced with time, enough of it that I really have no excuse not to do what I thing I should be doing, sometimes it feels overwhelming, I-don't-know-where-to-start overwhelming: the void. I seem to have mastered the art of making the most of time for my music when I have to steal it from other things. That's a scary prospect when you're aiming to become a professional musician... it makes you wonder if you'll get a case of terminal writer's block once you're doing well enough to leave your daytime job.

There are many other ideas in the song: the need to do it alone, the high that you get when you feel you're taking a risk, the sacrifices involved in dream-chasing, and, of course, the very nature of The Tick Collector, someone whose live decisions turn out to revolve around ticking out dreams from a list. After every tick, another void opens up: what next?

It's all a matter of balance between two mottos, "one step at a time" and "keep your eye on the ball". As Ani Difranco once sang: "'cause when I look down, i just miss all the good stuff, when I look up I just trip over things". Walking the tight rope is no easy man! But then again, who said it would be?